Is Strict Asian Parenting the Way to Go?
Most of us have likely grown up with strict Asian parenting—you know, the parents who made us start learning the piano or violin at age 5, refused to accept grades less than an A, and gave us curfews hours earlier than any of our friends. But what causes our parents to be that way? And is the strict Asian way of parenting truly superior to the Western way, which is known to be more forgiving?
A recent Wall Street Journal book excerpt, “Why Chinese Mothers are Superior” by Amy Chua, sought to explore these questions and stereotypes through a Chinese mother’s reflection of raising her children. In defense of the harsh way that Asian parents often treat their children, Chua argues it’s because they firmly believe their children can do anything they set their mind to. This passage in particular spoke to me:
“First, I’ve noticed that Western parents are extremely anxious about their children’s self-esteem. They worry about how their children will feel if they fail at something, and they constantly try to reassure their children about how good they are notwithstanding a mediocre performance on a test or at a recital. In other words, Western parents are concerned about their children’s psyches. Chinese parents aren’t. They assume strength, not fragility, and as a result they behave very differently.”
Chua also notes that many Asian parents feel that their children are indebted to them as a result of long-embedded cultural norms. For those that marvel at the lengths Asian parents will go to in terms of criticizing and restricting their children, Chua says:
“Don’t get me wrong: It’s not that Chinese parents don’t care about their children. Just the opposite. They would give up anything for their children. It’s just an entirely different parenting model.”
Judging by the 2000+ comments and heated discussion that this article has received online, people clearly feel passionately toward the subject of Asian parenting. Personally, I’m extremely grateful to my parents for exposing me to piano and violin lessons from a young age and pushing me to always strive for excellence in everything that I do. However, they never pushed me to the brink, such as the example in Chua’s essay where she forces her daughter to learn a piano passage, refusing to even let her use the restroom—I found that particularly extreme.
What are your thoughts on the Asian way of parenting? Were your own parents like the author, or were they more lenient? If you were victims of strict Asian parenting, do you think it benefited you in the end?
Photo source: Boston University
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As the recipient of Chinese parenting, I was pretty disgusted with Amy Chou’s essay primarily because she creates the impression that Chinese parents are narrow-minded in their opinions of what is good for their children, and inflexible/not open to adapting their teaching methods to the child.
I do agree that having parents assume strength in their children is beneficial, but how that belief manifests in Amy Chou’s teaching methods has had awful ramifications. My parents also shared that belief—they told my siblings and me that we were capable of anything if we put our hearts into it; they expected more out of us. However, they also assured us that as long as we could honestly say that we had put our best effort into an endeavor, it didn’t matter if we hadn’t gotten the top mark or first place.
Amy Chou’s belief has led her to a results-driven mindset. As a consequence, we get students who study to pass tests, as opposed to really understanding the material. I think kids are more motivated to pursue an interest when they have a passion for something, as opposed to Chua’s model, in which parents force their beliefs of more worthy pursuits (piano and violin > other instruments) on their kids, without letting the children explore their interests for themselves. The statement that “What Chinese parents understand is that nothing is fun until you’re good at it” is unbelievable to me and has no basis whatsoever. I find swimming very fun, but I’m not super proficient at it. I have no wish to make a career out of it.
However, in discussion generated here (http://www.quora.com/Parenting/Is-Amy-Chua-right-when-she-explains-Why-Chinese-Mothers-Are-Superior-in-an-op-ed-in-the-Wall-Street-Journal?srid=3xs), it seems that the WSJ chose to foster controversy/debate, and that Amy Chou’s point is actually far more nuanced than what was evinced in the article. In which case, the media slanting is the unrecognized issue here.
Lee,
Thank you for your very insightful comment. I very much agree that Chou’s essay was particularly limiting towards portraying Chinese mothers, but as you and both the author mention, her actual novel was much more nuanced. What I should have added in my response as well is that Asian American women have among the highest rates of depression (http://mochimag.com/blog/2010/10/asian-american-women-more-likely-to-face-depression/) – an effect of over-the-top parenting? The WSJ article title was also rather misleading. In the end, though, Chua’s essay does raise very interesting arguments about different people perceive as the “Asian” way of parenting, with some parents taking it to far more extremes than others.
I, like Chua’s daughters, grew up with a White father and an Asian mother in a sort of hybrid culture. I agree with Lee’s comment that Chua’s excerpt portrayed Asian parents as narrow minded. However, I do believe that this mindset is the hallmark of “traditional” Asian parenting. Parents who are more accepting of the pampered notion of “Putting your best effort forth is okay even if you’re not first” are more liberal. The “Putting your best effort forth” idea is really a product of Western culture than anything else. Asian parents understand something that most parents tell their children today: You are capable of anything you want to do. However, they understand it a little further: You are capable of anything you want to do, but so is everyone else; the only thing in your way is laziness. Kids won’t want to do anything unless you whip them into shape.
There are important things that we must take from Chinese parenting. Is it good to be result driven? Yes. Not being result driven is what causes so many children to fall through the cracks. But we must be wary of the methods. While the traditional model stresses repetition, this is not always the best way to teach students or create competent human beings. As a musician and having formally studied music pedagogy, I can say that practicing piano in the method that Chua forced upon her daughters is utterly worthless. Shinichi Suzuki, the founder of the Suzuki Method of violin teaching once said that any child can possess the gift of music with practice. What he probably didn’t foresee was this idea being taken to an extreme by Asian parents (like Chua) which resulted in armies of technically proficient but utterly un-musical and feelingless violinists. This echos Lee’s comment about students who study to pass but don’t really understand. My youth was again, hybrid. My mother (who was by no means ‘traditional’) said “You’re going to play an instrument, but you get to choose which one.” Thus, music was much more meaningful for me choosing an instrument which I had the greatest affinity too.
Most of the criticism of Chua’s writing stems from simple geography. What works in China or the East doesn’t necessarily fly here in the US. “Nothing is fun until you’re good at it,” let us remember that recreational sports are banned in China. Thus, if you’re not good enough to go to the olympics, you can’t practice it at all. The practice of not allowing your kids to go out socially might work in China where the culture is collectivist. But in the United States, it is important for children to interact with their peers and learn to be individuals. The meek, poorly spoken or socially awkward are trampled upon. I think that the notion of geography should be most considered when critiquing Chua’s writing.
It is thus best if you raise your child to be successful in the environment which they are born into, whether that be Western or Eastern. But like most things, it’s best to draw your inspiration from both a combination of many things. It’s up to the parent to pick and choose which elements of Eastern parenting they would want to include.
In some ways I agree with Chua. I can remember when I was a child that if there were 8 students and 12 cookies then we would split the last 4 cookies to make it “fair”. In reality, I think we should start sending a soft message early on to our children that life is not necessarily fair and therefore the ones that can cope with this fact are normally the happiest and most well adjusted.
I recommend you guys read this book!!!! Its all about Asian parenting – and it talks about the CONS of it!!!
I found it randomly and bought the E-Book version, it looks like it just came out, but think its going to cause quite a stir! I relate to EVERYTHING and I’m an Asian kid myself!!
http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/secrets-of-a-fortune-cookie-vanessa-s-yang/1108222852
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